On Belonging
Orient-ing your life
listen here about the genesis of this essay. Hit the like button, share if it feels right and comment. I would love to hear your thoughts!
From Dad:
The Call to Emily
There is freedom in belonging.
“Yellow Tide” Fridays was coined by Ed, Jenny and I.
It was the one day at work where belonging was unspoken as an Asian. It was just the three of us all day long in the clinic at Kaiser’s Opera Plaza satellite clinic in Occupational Medicine. The shield of unconscious protection was dropped. The loneliness of carrying the culture and the ways of orient-ing to life by others meanness and ignorance was awash in laughter and silent gestures of understanding. No need to explain your way of thinking or being, ways in which you had sold yourself out to fit in. No disclaimers necessary when throwing around the euphemisms, racial slurs, and hateful identifiers to our way of being. I could breathe when I stepped into the clinic. I could freely walk down the street to Philz coffee on Van Ness and Turk to get our proverbial “hot beverages” while kidding about our Asian grandmotherly patients or Dragon Lady Boss.
Tired no more about talking about bad drivers, math excellence, studious, pocket protecting stand up straight “A-sians”and Kung Fu masters. And don’t forget the dextrous, flittering of fingers flying along the fretless board of cellos and violins or ivory keys of Grands. Tired no more.
It was just us three on this Holy “Yellow” Day. Both Ed and Jenny were rooted from Taiwan, born here and speaking Mandarin. Mandarin could be heard with Jenny speaking to her mom over the phone.
Ed and I would watch and listen as we caught up on our patient charting until Jenny finished her conversations in English with “OK Mom I know, I know!”……Eyes widening, shoulders shrugging, forearms supinated to the heavens saying to us
“this is what it means to be an Asian daughter!!”
Listen and respect your elders.
“Do as I say, be good daughter!”
We all laughed, kidded the seriousness of tone and became big brothers to Jenny in washing away the feelings of parents who believe and see the best future for their kids.
Quite possibly, unconsciously trying to protect them from the trauma that racism exacts on our Yellow bodies at the same time.
From Emily:
The Response to Dad
“Orienting your life” haha nice word play. “Unconscious protection”
I see belonging in relatability and “no disclaimers necessary” — a sense of freedom.
Seeing moments of belonging as holy, sacred because of how powerful they are.
An understanding of specific experience, this example of being Asian American, that is beyond words felt viscerally in a way that some others won’t understand unless they have lived something similar or the same.
Here’s what I started on:
And I’m now writing on some personal experiences too.
“For as long as I can remember I have been searching long and hard for belonging. I think we first seek belonging from our parents. A deep desire to be held safely, protected, seen and embraced by these pillars that are supposed to guide us in the world. Of course we want to belong to the first humans we’ve ever known.
And it has so much to do with trust. From birth we are taught to trust the humans with the title “parent” whether or not they’re actually trustworthy. Because what is belonging without trust?
What is belonging?
When we feel safe enough to reveal our true nature in the space of another and be held and even celebrated for this trust by being responded to with acceptance and love, whether all that is shared is alike and understood or not.
I believe, our parents’ personalities, or whoever our first guardians are, are the first outfits we try on whether we consciously decide to or not.
Or whether we cast that outfit off quickly, deciding it’s not the right fit, or if we try it on, glance in the mirror, watch ourselves walk in the oversized heels or suit or shawl or petticoat, and then we walk out the door and see how that outfit does in the world.
This is when we begin to extend our examples further than the immediate household we are in, suddenly plunged into a world of examples of who we can be or who we already are and who we are is innately connected to where we belong. And where we do not.”
Loving this :)
Em.
also loving this! 🙏🏾for excellent writing the interplay between elder-younger father-daughter like to like & differences is uncommon Great that you both were open to being vulnerable & “seen” here the exchange feels real & helps this reader have capacity to bear witness